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Justin K. Hughes, Licensed Professional Counselor: Dallas CBT and Exposure Therapy for OCD, Anxiety, Addictions & More
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Justin's Blog

Perfectionism, OCD, and Me

11/12/2019

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Thanks to Jonathan Hoxmark on Unsplash for this beauty!
Perfectionism and OCD
What is perfectionism?  Oxford dictionary defines it as “refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.”[1]  That’s automatically problematic.[2]  Perfectionism leads to a circumscribed focus, stress, and suffering for not only individuals, but for loved ones nearby who feel the weight of being perfect.

Is this the same as OCD?  Nope. OCD and perfectionism often get confused.  They both can affect and drive distress in one another, but they are separate.  OCD involves unwanted (intrusive) thoughts, urges, and impulses that cause distress; furthermore, compulsions are repetitive behaviors or thoughts that attempt to reduce distress or prevent something bad from happening.  Perfectionistic manifestations of OCD, often referred to as “just right / not just right” fit this categorization. Separately, in Perfectionism, someone pursues “perfect” thought, behavior, or action initially out of interest or enjoyment (rather than to suppress an intrusive thought/urge/impulse, like in OCD).[3]  There are typically problems that go with this, however.   So a difference between the two is that OCD is ego-dystonic and Perfectionism is typically ego-syntonic (you can check out my video here explaining the difference).

Examples of perfectionistic thoughts and behaviors[4,5]:
  • Arranging objects in special ways
  • Avoiding the use of something once it is in “perfect” condition
  • Being “perfectly” religious or spiritual
  • Black and white in theories, views, and the way things “must” go
  • Buying only “perfect” items
  • Checking for the “perfect” decision or choice
  • Conscientious at a “perfect” level
  • Cutting hair “perfect” or symmetrical
  • Dishes done perfectly or in certain placement
  • Doing certain activities at “perfect” times or in “perfect” order
  • Do something until feeling “just right”
  • Home being “perfectly” neat or clean
  • Items neat and “perfect” in closets, drawers, or storage
  • Laundry done in “perfect” order
  • Learning everything
  • Lists/records kept to “perfection”
  • Making appearance “perfect”
  • Needing to remember or memorize “perfectly” or in order
  • Need to have “perfect” awareness of everything in one’s environment
  • Possessions must be unused or in “perfect” condition
  • Punishing oneself when not acting “perfectly”
  • Pursuing conscientiousness to a level of overlooking other key details
  • Reading (and re-reading) every word 
  • Redoing decisions to pick the “perfect” one
  • Slowness in activities in order to behave “perfectly”
  • Thinking on topics exactly or “perfectly”
  • Unable to relax until everything is done “just right”
  • Unable to tolerate other points of view
  • Visually tracing, lining up, or looking at things “perfectly”
  • Writing (and re-writing) to make “perfect”
  • “Perfectly” be honest or truth telling
  • “Perfectly” confess wrong
  • “Perfectly” maintain possessions as neat and clean
  • “Perfectly” manage money
  • “Perfectly” manage time
  • “Perfectly” saying things
  • “Perfect” self-denial
Any one of these does not mean a clinical diagnosis is appropriate.  In fact, any one of these approaches done with flexibility may be an asset.  But when inflexibility and rigidity dominate, there will be problems.

My Perfectionism
I am a "recovering" perfectionist.  And it’s a problem when I’m not, well, “recovering” from it.  One of the mechanisms that keeps perfectionism going is the belief that it is helpful (this is a “Positive Belief” about perfectionism, and it is a cognitive distortion).  When I succeed at a task- and especially if I get a lot of praise, it is a natural reinforcer that I must be doing well.  However, if I spent 8 hours researching, writing, and proofing this blog today, that is problematic for me at this point in life (and I easily can spend that much time).  What is a problem or not sometimes depends on the person and their situation- maybe a journalist would spend that much time or even more, but I am a full-time clinician with a family, church, volunteer involvements, and hobbies. If I make this post “perfect,” in my perfectionism, I will seriously miss out on other things.  

This pursuit of perfection doesn't stop with one blog post.  It will always generalize if allowed.  So if I let it, the pressure of perfection will continue (and does, at times) to move on to other things like caring for my home, caring for people in my life, my relationship with others, my diet, exercise, my spiritual walk, my car, money, and so on.  And being honest with you, these things are tied up in anxiety and simultaneously selfishness- attempting to control these things rather than to engage with them/others in a meaningful way by learning to lean into the fear and live based on what is valuable. 

Parenting is probably the single biggest event that pressed me with the realization I need really challenge my perfectionism.  There are two stark realities to me in life: I can either do my work/relationships/home life/etc. “perfectly” and end up in an ever narrowing scope of anxious overwhelm trying to keep all the balls in the air, OR learn to tolerate the distress that comes doing things "not just right" and focus on the big picture, growing towards what I love and value.  And the reality usually is that in time, this fear habituates when not engaging in avoidance, rituals, or control strategies.

Making Change
Whether in therapy or personal life, to change how I behave and think and respond in life, I need to be aware/monitor what it is that needs to change (good therapy, support, and resources such as on my website can help).  Even if I know what needs to be done, if I can’t effectively observe and catch it when it occurs, I will not be able to change it.  Next, I will need tools and strategies to effectively grow and mature.  In therapy, some of these are Exposure Therapy, Cognitive Restructuring, and more.  In essence, at the point of the problem I must be able to insert the solution- and consistently.  Lastly, I want to continue to monitor and gain feedback to incorporate learning and solidify growth.  I don’t want to oversimplify this- if you are having a problem with any of the areas I have discussed, please reach out to a competent trusted person and/or therapist.  

Today I gave myself the time limit of 3 hours- start to finish- to research, write, upload and post.  And it’s simultaneously stressful and joyous at the same time. I’m going to do a behavioral experiment and keep doing it- “testing” whether or not my choice(s) in leaning into my fear of failure a) doesn’t end up as bad as it feels like it will, and/or b) I was able to handle or face it anyway.  We’ll have to see- I'm leaning in!!!

Openly,
Justin K. Hughes

References:
[1]  https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/perfectionism
[2]  First of all, it’s a whole mess to even get into a truly perfect standard- if I make and continue to make mistakes, I am not perfect.  I cannot even begin to conceive what perfect is, then, since I would make a mistake in defining “perfect.”
[3] The Diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) may apply when a person pursues perfectionistic behavior to pathologically disordered levels.
[4] Grayson, J. (2014). Freedom from obsessive-compulsive disorder: a personalized recovery program for living with uncertainty. New York: Berkley Books.
[5] Minirth, F. B., & Meier, P. D. (2015). Happiness is a choice: enhance joy and meaning in your life. Grand Rapids, MI: Spire.
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Grace and Peace to You

12/21/2016

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In this season of rush....

I hate to admit it.  Mom and Dad, please don't laugh too hard when I say....this.... I sometimes miss being told what to do.  There.  I said it.  

I remember the drill of childhood.  "When did you last eat?  Here, have some food."  "Looks like you could use a hug."  "You're getting cranky; it's time for a nap."  

In my super-mature “I'm-smarter-than-a-child” mentality, I miss some of the plainest truths in life.  One of these is the importance of rest.  It’s the weekend before Christmas, and all through my house are temptations to “achieve” and find my worth in what I do and the approval of others.    

I’m trying to step back and rest.  And I often will remind myself, “I’m more efficient when I rest.” What’s funny about that statement is that I still am finding an excuse for resting.  What would it be like if I stop running the show for a moment?  Slowing down the crazy pace of life is not only a discipline, it is an act of faith- one that acknowledges that I don’t control all and know all.  And I don’t have to carry the universe on my shoulders.  That’s freeing.  I hope you “achieve” some great rest during this time of the year.  Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!!

​Yours truly,
​
Justin
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What A Year Off Social Media Taught Me

9/14/2016

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Ben Kolde on Unsplash
This post was originally published on 09/14/2016 on my wordpress and is newly updated.
Happy September (Recovery Month)! School’s back in session and vacations are over for many.  If you’re like most, you’ve been seeing everyone’s summer pics on facebook and Instagram. While you might expect this post, written by a Professional Counselor, to talk about the influence of social media on self-esteem or depression, I want to invite you into a more personal journey- one of compulsive behavior, learning, and communication.

The Back Story
Starting early in 2015, I had been recognizing for months how distracting my daily social media consumption was to me- and how much time and emotional energy was being spent. And then a stroke of insight came- why not just stop? I didn’t have to make any extreme commitment or do a PR campaign. Why not just see what happened? And see what happened I did. With no end in sight, I stopped personal social media use through May 2016.

My days started to become more efficient at work; I found creative ways to engage or disengage with people; I was less stressed over the high dose of negative news I was seeing; I let go of the pressure of having to keep up with posting or needing to respond; I focused on the core things that mattered as opposed to the (look, a SQUIRREL!) distractions.
​
I began to see how compulsive I had become, even a little dependent. I felt fear about missing out on something. I got a “hit” (or high) from that next new message or like or share in my notifications. I had worried if someone didn’t respond soon enough.

The Addiction Framework
In the addiction world, physiological dependence is two things: tolerance (more is needed to achieve the same result) and withdrawal (I feel powerfully adverse negative affects when the “drug of choice” is removed). The treatment world has been closely watching the impact of using the internet, apps, social media, and the like- to see how it activates and affects the brain and body and mind in similar ways to substances. And we’re starting to acknowledge how behavior can trigger some of the same brain processes as a substance being ingested. DARN, I guess I can’t say, “Well, it’s not like I’m abusing drugs or anything.” Actually, sometimes I am abusing the chemicals already in my brain that drugs simply play with.  Varying levels of compulsivity exist, and my expertise in Professional Counseling focuses on providing help and hope when a person can’t break through their compulsive patterns.

Even though a year break taught me about my personal misuse of social media, don’t expect a crusade AGAINST social media from me today. As much as I benefited from my “vacation,” there were a few things I missed out on, too. I overlooked a few announcements (sorry for missing that birthday heads-up). I lost a bit of connection to the world around me. In essence, some communication was actually stunted for me. And I missed out on a little healthy distraction I find encouraging.

The Rest of the Story
My personal story may not be yours. Here are some observations:

The modality of communicating by tech IS effective and helpful for many.  We can complain all day about children not learning to communicate well because they “can’t even” (and I do believe that is a concern to be aware of as a parent).  However, social media can be helpful.

Social media is a communication platform. Whether we like it or not, things like social media are the new telegram or front porch conversation of years ago. And they don’t appear to be going away any time soon, only adapting and changing.

As with many things in this world, the actual vehicle of social media may be relatively neutral- what makes it egocentric, compulsive, and harmful OR helpful and relational, is likely the purpose and motivation and heart behind its use.  I want to be “linked in” to the latter so I can live free, not compulsively.

Sincerely,
Justin


Further Reading:
Dr. Geraint Evans- “What I Learned in My Year Off Facebook”
Dr. Kristen Fuller- "Social Media Breaks and Why They Are Necessary"
Shala Nicely, LPC- "Are You Handcuffed To Your Devices, and Is OCD At Fault?
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The Hurried Spiritual Life

7/31/2013

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This post is intended for Christians looking to deepen their faith and mental health and may not apply to my entire reader base.
“Gotta go!” Dave looks at his watch, kisses his wife, and walks out the door.  With just enough time to get ready and leave for work, Dave doesn’t have any time to reflect on the day and pray.  “I’ll do it later,” he thinks to himself.  At lunch, quickly bowing his head over his chicken casserole leftovers, he says a perfunctory, “Thanks, God.  Keep me focused today on what I need to get done.  Amen.”  As with most days, since the job is particularly tiring, once Dave gets home, he relaxes with some TV, dinner, and conversation with his wife.  Exhausted when he heads to bed, he says a prayer before he jumps under the covers, but he loses his train of thought.  “Goodnight.”  On to the next day.

Noted speaker, author, and pastor- John Ortberg- asked of his good friend and spiritual mentor, Dallas Willard, what he needed to do to be spiritually healthy.  Expecting some bullet points and great wisdom from this spiritual giant, Willard said, “You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.”  After pausing and a re-emphasis of the same statement by Dallas, John wrote it down.  In a hurried fashion, then he asked what was next.  “There is nothing else,” said the wise man he spoke to.  “You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life, for hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our world today.” (Find the story here.)

This hurry is the same thing that keeps us running around with just one more thing to do and one more place to go.  It is a problem of a hurried heart.  It is not the same as having many responsibilities.  Hurry is the rush of “one more thing,” being busy is having a lot to do.  The latter can be done with peace, a calm heart, rest, and love.  The former cannot.  It is not settled, is not content, and it does not rest.

How does hurry hurt us?  It keeps us thinking outside of the moment.  It requires another accomplishment to be satisfied.  It has no end.  It does not fulfill.  We cannot have a close relationship without spending time, without sitting and listening and being with someone.  The hurried spiritual life is as fallacious as the hurried relationship.  Sprinkle a few minutes in here or there, say some nice things, and be on your way.  It does not work.

Distractions abound.  Tasks require our attention.  There is a limitless ocean of needs.  But a healthy spiritual life requires slowing down.  It re-prioritizes.  It takes a breath.  To quote Psalm 46:10 (ESV): “Be still, and know that I am God.”  I am now closing my computer to do just that.

Yours truly,
Justin
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    All Content on this Site, justinkhughes.com, was created for informational purposes only. Content is not intended as a substitute for professional advice, treatment, or diagnosis.  Always seek the advice of your own personal health provider who is qualified to treat you, along with asking them any questions you may have regarding medical or other conditions. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have viewed on justinkhughes.com. Also, due to the sensitive nature of topics and material covered through this Site, which contains very descriptive and/or advanced content, you may not want to use justinkhughes.com. The Site and its Content are provided on an "as is" basis.  Some posts are written for specific populations (OCD, Christians, Professionals)- with the intent to remain respectful to all- some content may not fit or go counter to your beliefs, perspectives, and what is explored for you in a professional counseling session with Justin K. Hughes, MA, LPC.  The posts are intended solely for the population they are written to and can be designated by their titles and tags.
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​Justin K. Hughes, MA, LPC
Owner, Dallas Counseling, PLLC 

justin@dallascounseling.com
P: 469-490-2002

17330 Preston Road, Suite 102D
Dallas, TX 75252
 
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