$1.6 Billion. That's 1,600 x 1 MILLION Dollars. For the person who won roughly that amount in South Carolina (and the rest of us):
Would it surprise you that your emotional well-being really doesn't improve by becoming wealthy? There’s been a host of research in recent years that look into happiness and money. Possibly the most commonly known one is the National Academy of Sciences study on well-being and money.
This study’s now famous $75,000 mark suggests that a person’s emotional well being (how they feel day-to-day) AND their evaluation of life (their overall perspective of how they are doing) improves up to the point of earning $75k per HOUSEHOLD in the United States. Beyond this mark, emotional well-being doesn't significantly improve, though a person will evaluate their life as better if they earn beyond this mark. To quote their findings, “We conclude that high income buys life satisfaction but not happiness, and that low income is associated both with low life evaluation and low emotional well-being” (Kahneman, et al. 2010).
So what do "happy money" spenders do? Research by Elizabeth Dunn and Michael Norton in Happy Money: The Science of Happier Spending (2014) reveals how money is spent makes the crucial difference in happiness.
Are you making the most of what you have? Are you caught up in materialism and consumerism? Today is always a great day to do something different.
Justin K. Hughes, MA, LPC
This post was originally published on 04/19/2015 on my wordpress and is newly updated.
In Latin, Quid Pro Quo means, “something for something.” You scratch my back; I scratch yours. Tit for tat. It’s how the world runs.
Or is it?
In the business world, this often works. Social psychology calls it “reciprocity.” In relationships, well, this is where it gets fuzzy. Relationships require sacrifice regularly; they require that you stick around, presuming it’s reasonable to do so. In business, if someone doesn’t offer you a good deal, you can move on. If you keep doing this with relationships, you will bankrupt your heart and anyone close to you quicker than ever thought possible.
Relationships involve the molding and holding of hearts. Business involves the flow of money.
I want to call to the table that many principles that work for business DON’T in relationships, which is partly why someone can be extraordinarily successful in the business world but trade in relationships as often as changing underwear. The concept of reciprocity is fascinating, and I regularly utilize it in respectful ways when I consider how to engage in business, such as when I “add value” to interactions with businessmen and women by offering helpful counseling materials. This, in turn, increases my odds of getting a favorable response. Nothing wrong with it. I attempt to not do it ONLY for this reason. However, when I expect a certain response- demand it, even- I am not respecting a person’s freedom, uniqueness, or spontaneity. And this is precisely the problem when quid pro quo is present as a foundation in relationships.
Everyone from Hendrix to Gottman to Eggerichs (see references below) point out the necessity of proactive initiative in love- an active, intentional doing what’s best for another, choosing love over “balancing the budget.” In fact, the eminent researcher Dr. John Gottman states the myth of quid pro quo in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2002): “But it’s really the unhappy marriage where this quid pro quo operates, where each feels the need to keep a running tally of who has done what for whom” (p. 15).
Isn’t this the definition of selfishness? And it tears relationships apart. I don’t know of anyone who says, “Yes, being completely selfish is good; I want to live by the principles of selfishness and teach my kids to do the same.” No one really debates this. How quickly it takes over, though! My role as counselor isn’t to point a finger; it’s to help uncover what’s holding people back. Consider how you might be “losing while winning,” holding grudges, keeping a record of wrongs. These things are the opposite of contentment- and love. "Love keeps no record of wrongs," (1 Corinthians 13:5d) as is often quoted at weddings.
Don’t wait for a person to do good to you. That’s the whole importance of the Golden Rule and the Greatest Commandment. If you wait around for the other person to “play by the rules” in loving you, prepare to be unsatisfied. There will come a time (in EVERY relationship) when loving another becomes hard: when the "high" of newness wears off, when the attractiveness of another becomes the norm, when that little quirk that you thought was wonderful turns out to annoy the heck out of you. If it’s left up to reciprocity, we’re screwed. In friendships, romantic relationships- ANY relationship.
If a relationship fundamentally relies on quid pro quo, it will prove an unhappy ending. Find out how to love others despite what they bring to the table, and reap the overflowing results. If one person brings a feast to the table, just because the other doesn't bring one won't mean you can’t enjoy yours- and just maybe win them over in love.
For more information:
Business Networking That Works...It's Called Quid Pro Quo (Forbes)
Getting the Love You Want (Drs. Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt)
Influence and Persuasion (Robert Cialdini)
Love and Respect (Dr. Emerson Eggerichs)
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Psych Central summary)
A Psychotherapists' thoughts on healthy living.
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