Sudden Explosions

When I was first diagnosed with OCD, I used the term “spike” for the intrusive thoughts I suddenly felt galloping into my brain. Little did I know that is the same term used by OCD influencers and counselors to name intrusive thoughts. Maybe I got the term from therapy or maybe I didn’t, but it does the trick for describing what unwanted thoughts feel like when they happen, like the sudden explosion of a volleyball as it is spiked hard onto the court.

Intrusive thoughts and feelings are entirely involuntary and occur in a split second, often when a sufferer least expects them. The experience itself is terrifying, every single time. Categories of intrusive thoughts span from fear of germs and bugs, to fear of harming loved ones, to relationship fears, all the way to extreme sexual fears that nobody wants to say out loud. Sadly, the list is endless.

I will confess that the last few months for me have been full of spikes. Even after forty-two years of getting comfortable with my brain, my wiring continues to surprise me. I think the most unnerving challenge has been the presence of these spikes during church.

Terrible Thoughts in Church

At church, it’s especially common for scrupulous thoughts to occur. These thoughts, including crude, blasphemous, and offensive thoughts about God, “unforgivable” thoughts, and concerns of ‘what if this thought means I’m not saved,’ create a deep level of distress for Christians with OCD. (I will resist sharing examples of how OCD thoughts come during worship as I have no desire to trigger anyone with new ways to worry.)

Church, for those of us who are believers, is a sacred place; it is the one place we don’t want to taint with the filth of OCD. Once an unwanted thought or feeling starts, it becomes more difficult to shut off the waterfall of intrusive thoughts that are likely to follow, and they are unpleasant thoughts a sufferer doesn’t want to experience in any location, especially not in a place as meaningful as a church.

Those OCD spikes in church always feel sinful and, therefore, totally upsetting. I don’t understand why the fearful thoughts come when I’m desiring community with God and His people, but at the same time, it’s no shock. I think Satan uses our vulnerability when we want to honor the one true God through our worship. During worship, our minds are “supposed” to be filled with a peace that surpasses all understanding, but sometimes our brain takes that quiet time as a signal for a spike-a-thon of intrusive thoughts.

The Stark Reality

Even after years of OCD awareness and therapy, I am still paralyzed by this sudden onslaught of spikes when they catch me off guard, especially while in worship. I want desperately to get the thoughts to stop and not make them my own. I’ve had to walk out of church to calm myself down while asking God to release the tension in my shoulders.

Intrusive thoughts don’t ever really get easier to experience, but they can become more manageable with practice and good strategies. When unwanted thoughts arise at church or elsewhere, what can we do?

Hope and Help

One of my strategies is to let the thoughts come without trying to stop them and without fear, yet this often feels like giving in to a sin. Sadly, the more I fight them, the faster and stronger they flow. The more I try to hold the unwanted thoughts back, the more the OCD pushes them to the front. We don’t need to dissect every thought and image; like the tide, we can watch them flow in and eventually flow away again without fear.  It is only with calm acceptance that I realize the lack of power these thoughts have over me. I remind myself that these thoughts are not my identity, they are not voluntary, and their presence isn’t a sin.

My favorite strategy is to remember that OCD lies to me, but God never will. No matter what my brain is trying to convince me to believe, I know with confidence that they are lies, they that are not from God, even if they come from a passage I’ve distorted from the Bible. If I am in worship, I am safe and protected from being influenced by my thoughts. God’s promises are all around me and I can claim them during any intrusive thought. God knows all our thoughts, even when we aren’t in church, so I can rest in the reality that He already knows them and still welcomes me into His house for worship.

The Peace of God

Oftentimes, it feels instinctive to worry about how I’ve offended God with my thoughts or worry that I’ve committed an unforgivable sin, while it feels demanding to sit in the faith required to trust God’s perfect promise of peace, hope, and forgiveness. It takes practice, and when we ask God to meet us in our distress, He will come…every single time. We don’t need to face those fears alone, but instead we can welcome His peace, even as the spikes come faster.

Learning to be comfortable with uncertainty is another necessary strategy in managing intrusive thoughts, but with God, there are twice as many certain truths I can rest in that are far more powerful than any outrageous thought my brain may cook up.  We have promises to ground us. We don’t need to repeat a Bible verse perfectly or ask God to take away the thoughts using just the right words, but we can rely on His strength to defeat the scariness of the thoughts even when we aren’t convinced or at peace quite yet. As a Christian, it is truly remarkable that my uncertainty doesn’t have to stand alone because I have the perfect certainty of our Lord covering every single distressing, sinful, and wonderful thought I’ll ever experience.

Meghan Newkirk is a North Carolina native who graduated from North Carolina State University with a degree in Communication. She was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder while in college and has learned how to combat it with counseling and medication. As a young child Meghan enjoyed writing short stories and imagining make believe tales for her dolls. Her first book came after feeling called to communicate her experiences with OCD to her children in a way that would be encouraging, but entertaining. She wants to communicate her need for Jesus and how He used her mental difficulties as a way to bring her to Himself. Meghan feels called to write fictional stories about characters who suffer from mental struggles, but who also find their ultimate hope in Christ while using the tools of the mental health professionals He provides. Loving Naomi is her first full book. (Affiliate link where Justin K. Hughes may earn a small commission if you choose to purchase through the link.)

👉https://www.meghannewkirkwrites.com/👈